20080514In a previous link I talked about “good enough” parenting. Recently I heard a story about a woman called Tara who heard funny scratching sounds at her front door. She opened the door and a weary looking Labrador drifted down her hallway, took one look at the comfy couch, jumped up and promptly fell asleep. She smiled and her dogs didn’t seem to mind, so she left him there and after about an hour he woke up, jumped down from the couch and went to the front door expectantly. She let him out and he trotted off purposefully she thought he was presumably homeward bound.

The next day the dog appeared again, scratching at the door, he came in through the house dragging himself wearily, straight up on the couch and once again fell asleep quickly as though he was exhausted. This became a regular occurrence and Tara began to be concerned that the dog’s owner may be wondering where he was.

She decided to pin a note to the dog’s collar on his way out the door, saying “your dog comes to my place every afternoon and has a nap, I don’t mind but I thought you should know where he is”. The next day the dog reappeared with another note tied to his collar. ” He lives in a very busy house with three small children, he is trying to catch up on his rest. I’m glad you don’t mind him coming..but can I come with him for a nap tomorrow too?”

So we know it is tough to be a parent and exhausting at times for all caregivers in the household…..in this case, even the dog!  Yet we all want our children to thrive and with the advances in neuroscience, brain scans and research on primates, we now know that child / parenting experiences molds the key emotional systems in the brain of your children. So despite the constancy of the demands, the upside of this fact is that we have millions of opportunities for “parent – child” sculpting moments. In your child’s life you can help them set up systems and chemistries that will assist them to have an enriched life. You help provide an important and enduring template of experience for your child and their experience of being with other people. (Rustin 2009).

So how do you build your child’s capacity to explore and embrace life?

Tip 1. Every time that you help your child “think and feel” about what she is experiencing, and each time you find the right words for her intense feelings you are helping develop a more sophisticated network in your child’s corpus callosum (the linking tissue between brain hemispheres).

Tip 2. Similarly every time you respond with a cuddle when your child is distressed, this physical soothing releases wonderful calming chemicals in your child’s brain (Beebe & Lachmann 2002).

Tip3.  It’s important to know when you are not in the headspace to do either Tip 1 or Tip 2.!! Sometimes if you are not able to be the cuddly one, you just need to know that another caring adult needs to step in, so you can take a step back, calm yourself and regroup. Western society privileges independence and the nuclear family unit, but anyone who has had to juggle children knows, it is smart to accept assistance and support from your partner, your family, your friends and anyone else in your network willing or able to lend a hand in a stressful moment.

Tip 4. If you can learn to be an emotionally strong parent who is clearly in charge most of the time, your child will feel secure and be able to thrive. Of course this is easier said than done, but the key (which I will explain further in another blog) is managing your own feelings, and taking seriously your needs for emotional support. Parents need to be able to talk with others who really understand what they are going through.  Parental self care is very important and very understated within our culture, so understanding what recharges you and making guilt free time to do it, will be of benefit to you and to your child. Give it a go! Happy parents lead to a happy child.